In need of a second to vent

This is the third night in a role I have awakened at 3:00 am and have not been able to fall back to sleep.

It’s the same thing every time. I awake, use the restroom, then sit on the side of my bed for 30 minutes thinking about all the things I am trying to change but can’t, like

Why my 2-year-old does not talk, but all the other children her age talk well, why do I have to wait two weeks to have her see a therapist, why does my husband procrastinate about everything, why does blogging make me happy but no one seems to care, why does everyone’s problems become mine but my problems are my own, why is it so easy to fall back into bad habits (food choices), and why am I up this late in the first place.

Once I’ve had this conversation with myself, I head downstairs to write or watch a little TV (catch up on the shows I can’t watch when the children are around). Fumbling through the house, making sure to make no sounds or turn on a light I start to feel obligated to clean something. I start putting things away (things I’ve clearly told my older girls to put away before they went to bed) and then I head for the TV only to be disappointed by the sight of my teen sleeping on the sofa. I calm myself and politely nudge her and ask her to go get in her bed. She looks around half asleep apologizes for the third night this week and makes an unnecessary amount of noise to which wakes the toddler, my husband, and everyone else in the household.

I reassure everyone that everything is okay and rock my two-year old back to sleep. I crawl back into bed and stare at the ceiling for another 15 minutes only to be awakened again, but this time by the alarm clock.

Another sleepless night.

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